Recently we decided to investigate the Biblical story of Noah’s Ark detailed in Genesis 6, and see just how much a boat that size would actually cost to insure.
We picked a major insurance company, whose name has been redacted for this article, mostly because we tortured poor Karen and her supervisor Javier too much. Note to them both if they’re reading: thanks for being good sports.
Read through our below experience with attempting to buy boat insurance for Noah’s Ark and then be sure that you enter your zip code above to compare free insurance quotes online!
Karen: Hello, this is Karen with Goodsport Insurance, how may I help you?
InsuranceProviders.com: Hi, Karen, I’d like to see about insuring a boat.
Karen: OK, great. What type of boat?
InsuranceProviders.com: A … cargo boat, I guess is the best description.
Karen: And how big is the boat?
InsuranceProviders.com: Well, it was originally going to be 300 cubits by 50 cubits by 30 cubits…
Karen: I’m sorry, sir?
InsuranceProviders.com: Sorry. 450 feet long by 75 feet wide, and maybe 45 feet tall. But I don’t really know how you can fit all the animals into a space like that, so it’s probably going to be bigger. We’ve got engineers working on it.
Karen: I’m sorry, sir, is this some sort of specialty boat?
InsuranceProviders.com: Yes, we’re building an ark.
Karen: Is this for entertainment or educational purposes, because that’s a different department.
InsuranceProviders.com: Well, we were thinking about using it for educational purposes, at least until the flood comes. But it is going to be a fully working boat. No electrical systems, of course, and that’s going to stink, but if Noah could pull it off…
“Yes, I KNOW it smells like a zoo in here!”
Karen: Sir, I just need to clarify a few things.
InsuranceProviders.com: Shoot.
Karen: You intend to build a 450 foot boat, 45 feet tall, to fill with animals in the event of a flood.
InsuranceProviders.com: Well, more like THE flood, if you know what I mean. Yes, that’s the idea.
Karen: I … I’m not really sure we can insure that.
InsuranceProviders.com: Is it collateral, because I promise you, this is being built entirely from donations. We’re getting the animals that way too, although for the local species there’s this one guy…
Karen: It’s not collateral, sir, it’s … I think my supervisor is better equipped to explain. Why don’t I get him for you?
To Karen’s credit, it didn’t take long: Javier was on the phone in less than a minute. We’re not sure Karen fully prepared him for what he was going to get.
Javier: Hello, this is Javier, I’m Karen’s supervisor, what seems to be the issue, sir?
InsuranceProviders.com: Oh, no issue, Karen’s been very helpful. She just told me it wasn’t going to be possible to insure our Ark and…
Javier: [Coughing noises, we suspect to hide some profanity]
InsuranceProviders.com: Oh, nasty cough there.
Will this be the fate of Karen and Javier?
Javier: I’m sorry about that sir. I’m looking at Karen’s notes and it says you’re building an extremely large boat.
InsuranceProviders.com: That’s correct.
Javier: That will hold animal species. I’ll be honest with you, sir, it’s an unusual request and it’s the animals that are the problem.
InsuranceProviders.com: Really?
Javier: Sure. If you’re getting two of every species, breeding pairs, on the boat, first of all, that’s a pretty cramped space.
InsuranceProviders.com: I was saying just that to Karen.
Javier: Yeah, it’ll need to be a lot bigger. Also you’ve got all these rare animals: endangered species, valuable species, those are, that’s a lot of money you’re spending.
InsuranceProviders.com: Yeah, the endangered species are costing a fortune. I’ve been arguing with Customs over two spiders for weeks now. Weeks!
Javier: Yeah, so that’s really the problem. We could probably insure the boat itself, but not the contents, and the boat would have to be constructed and seaworthy before we could offer any quotes.
InsuranceProviders.com: Sure, sure, I understand. Do you have an estimate, maybe?
Javier: A lot. I can tell you insuring it will cost a fortune. Two fortunes, probably.
Noah’s Ark of Endangered Species.
InsuranceProviders.com: Well, we’ll only need it until the rain flies. Speaking of that…
Javier: Yes?
InsuranceProviders.com: Confidentially, we’re not sure it’s going to be a flood, you know? God might make His displeasure shown in other forms, instead of a flood. We’re just going with His previous record. Is it possible to insure in case it doesn’t flood?
Javier: No, sir, I’m sorry. Our policy has a very clear “Acts of God” clause. We can’t insure against the might of the Lord. Besides, he might smite us.
InsuranceProviders.com: Ooooh, good point. Are you religious?
Javier: Very much so. I’m sorry we couldn’t be of more help.
InsuranceProviders.com: Well, when we get the boat built, I’ll get back in touch. Hey, cut me a deal and I’ll spare you a seat!
Javier: When you’ve got it built, I’ll be the first to get on. Have a nice day, sir.
InsuranceProviders.com: Bye!
Like we said, Karen and Javier are great sports. And we have to admit, we’re impressed with how Javier handled being confronted with the craziness we gave him. Kudos to both.
Now we just need to build the boat, and call them back.
